Inter-racial friendship

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A friend asked me why I took back a friend that hurt me:

I didn't know how to answer your question about this friend. There are friends I am still friends with that I have cried for days on my bed for how hurt I feel by things they have done. This friend is not one of those friends. What she did made me sad, but I have more difficult hurt from others. 

But I think the thing that is really part of this answer for me, that is the truth of the matter, that is why closer to the truth of it, is that if the role were reversed, how would I want that person to react? I react that way. I want them to give me another chance. When I go to someone and want to reconnect - even if it can't be with the most vulnerable thing - an apology - I would want them not to dismiss me. 

I am the girl who stays.  I see the incredible generosity offered to me by my Black friends - white people do damage. And I don't always get it right. No one can shout louder at me than I have at myself. Apartheid-thinking is not switch you can turn on and off, it lurks in my nooks and crannies.  I didn't just 'get' stuff. I have been taught and talked to and laboured over. And each effort has been a gift because it had to start with - not hating me - for my missteps. That is so generous. Many many of those gifts have made me cry at their extreme generosity. Gifts make me cry more than when the people who have been hurt - like this friend - lash out at me. She has nooks and crannies of damage too. We live in that country of damage. 

I am wary. I don't present myself as easily the second time and the third time and the manyeth time. Not all friendships are the same. We talked about true friendship being a place where it is safe to speak before you arrived. About it being a safe place to say to your friend 'you're fucking up' and to know that they will be cross but still be your friend. Getting there surely takes many missteps that are... if not forgiven... open and hopeful to raising the notion of forgiveness. Surely you have relationships where you continue although there are burdens of unforgiveness over things?

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